I am always been afraid of settling in just one place. In my late twenties when my friends started to buy houses and making kids, I escaped to Paris. I rented a studio from the first arrondissment, and I was happy with my 10 square meters attic apartment where I wash the dishes in the toilet sink. I knew that it was just a temporary thing. Now with family and all, you kind of have to stay and settle in somewhere. You need to enter in the system. You know what I mean, right? But what if, that is the problem.
Lately, I got myself thinking of the future. Our contract to our current apartment will end in the end of August. Before that we need to make decisions. Are we going to stay in this apartment and continue pay the rent (not so wise!)? Should we buy our own little apartment? Or should we just get a camping car and have a moving home? Or maybe go to a world tour? Of course it would be wise to buy something, and then, if we decide to do so, we could always rent it – but… there is something that makes me unpleasant about this.
Every time we start to speak about owning something, I start to panic. Also, the experience of owning a house in Spain has opened my eyes for the reality, and the heaviness that owning a big house can bring. Now in Helsinki, we actually made an offer of one apartment. A couple of days I was in panic if the offer would be accepted or not. Luckily, it wasn’t, because obviously we weren’t ready. It wasn’t for us, and that’s ok. I also accepted that right a way.
“Nothing is permanent except change” For me, the message of this sentence has been difficult to adapt, because I tend to think, that “oh, now we are here, and we are going to stay here forever, and this is my life,” and then hits the panic. So when I started to actually adapt the message of this sentence, I found it really calming, because it is so true. Even if I would stay in the same place forever, nothing would stay the same in a long run. Things changes, I will get older and change my mind million times, my kids will grow up etc. In short terms I might be sad today, but tomorrow I will laugh and dance and love the world – this is how it goes: it is all changing all the time – and what a relief this is!
I am also lucky to have a husband who is really open mind about the future. When we bought the house in Alella, he told me, that this doesn’t have to be the rest of the life project. This I found calming, because if we do find something, it doesn’t have to mean that we are going to stay there forever.
Still, I sometimes find it stressful when someone asks “where do you see yourself in five years?” The honest answer is that I don’t know. At times I feel jealous of those who can settle in and stay where they are, and reply this question “right here”. But more I found my answer giving me freedom. I know that I will always fit in where I go, as does my family. The most important thing is that we are together. Still, freedom is also to know that everything will change, not as much, but the change rests in the air. Or it might be that my root chakra is just a little bit gipsy-like, and that my place is a little bit here and there.
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